Driving an hour and a half up to Hubbardston, ma. Where is that, you ask? Way out in the sticks.. past Worcester and on the way to Springfield. If you know anything about MA, you might say “oh ok”. That’s not my anxiety though.
We are going up there because our neice is up from NC and she is six months pregnant and her mom is throwing an impromptu surprise baby shower for her. This is still not the main source of my anxiety.
D is wonderful and always wants to help people and we have kept every single toy and piece of clothing since A was a baby. That was 5 years ago! I mean everything. Well, now D has insisted on pulling all the baby toys from the basement and bags of clothes from A’s closet. She has decided to give everything to K for this shower. Stroller and car seat combination, baby tub, next side up baby tub, exersaucer, newborn clothes (most still have tags on them), so many things that I feel like we are stocking up her baby’s nursery and this is where my anxiety comes in.
I don’t understand why I am anxious about it, they don’t have much money, E is the only one working so probably they can’t afford any of these things. The whole family is one where they don’t have much and they are happy with that. I know we are not having another child, we decided that through many tears a while ago but then why am anxious about giving this stuff away? I think it is something to do with money. I have a tendency to hold onto stuff that cost me money even if I don’t use it anymore. Isn’t not like I would be able to sell them and be able to get my money back anyway. I would like to be able to be a giving person and give to those in need without this anxiety but I guess that is only human. I’m not Jesus, but maybe this confessional blog post will help. I hope this baby shower is wonderful for her and her baby is happy and healthy and all these things that we are giving the little one helps that process.
To be or not to be…
Really the question is “To have another baby or not to have another baby”. We have been grappling with this question for nearly 5 years now and it is almost too late for many reasons and any one of the reasons is not really a reason to not have another child but I think we made our decision…:(
- We are not getting any younger and we nearly have a panic attack thinking about how old we will be when our current child will be graduating high school, nevermind a new child who is 5 yrs younger.
- It is harder to have a child for us. It is not as easy as with heterosexual relationships who can just have an “oops”, we have to plan and get a donor ready, pick up the stuff, get inseminated, etc and that is after charting my ovulation to make sure we are inseminating at the correct time. We have had some issues with the donor previously but things have somewhat worked out, so that is also an issue to deal with.
- Money. I could have totally written this entire post about money but it is a BIG issue, the main reason we are questioning moving forward.
a. there is daycare for the new child, we just went through all the stages of daycare with our daughter and the price has gone steadily down for each room she moves to but then we would have to start over with a price tag of $150 a WEEK, $600 a month! So much we could do with that money
b. D just was offered a new position and the money she will be making is decent, and is more than what she was making at her last permanent job and we will finally be able to save money and fix things that need to fixed, like the second car. THAT is only if we don’t have the additional daycare.
c. Then there is the issue of the 5 yo’s afterschool expense while we are working. Yes, there is a possibility of D being able to work different hours but we are unsure if that is for sure or how that will work, she hasn’t started the job yet.
d. Then thinking about all that we need to spend money on while both children are growing up, and college and with esp the daycare, vacations anywhere great are not an option, and way too expensive.
So what is the decision? We don’t even know yet… we are waiting another month because it doesn’t look like I even ovulated this month.