Sitting out in the court yard today at lunch and I look over to the other side and about 50 feet away is a woman all dressed in black Muslim gown with everything but her eyes covered. She is sitting there perfectly still facing me. I’m not worried for my safety but rather, I wonder, what is she thinking? Is she envious that I am sitting at the picnic table in regular clothes eating a regular simple lunch of a sandwich and yogurt? Why is she just sitting there perfectly still? Is she meditating? Is she hot in that garb? I wonder if she wishes she had a cell phone as she watches me write my blog… How did she even get in here? I think the gate is locked.
Well, now she is walking around the court yard and I see she has a cell phone attached to her ear and she came over to my locked door and then looked at me to let her in…
Hmm.. definitely not the ending I expected…
Driving an hour and a half up to Hubbardston, ma. Where is that, you ask? Way out in the sticks.. past Worcester and on the way to Springfield. If you know anything about MA, you might say “oh ok”. That’s not my anxiety though.
We are going up there because our neice is up from NC and she is six months pregnant and her mom is throwing an impromptu surprise baby shower for her. This is still not the main source of my anxiety.
D is wonderful and always wants to help people and we have kept every single toy and piece of clothing since A was a baby. That was 5 years ago! I mean everything. Well, now D has insisted on pulling all the baby toys from the basement and bags of clothes from A’s closet. She has decided to give everything to K for this shower. Stroller and car seat combination, baby tub, next side up baby tub, exersaucer, newborn clothes (most still have tags on them), so many things that I feel like we are stocking up her baby’s nursery and this is where my anxiety comes in.
I don’t understand why I am anxious about it, they don’t have much money, E is the only one working so probably they can’t afford any of these things. The whole family is one where they don’t have much and they are happy with that. I know we are not having another child, we decided that through many tears a while ago but then why am anxious about giving this stuff away? I think it is something to do with money. I have a tendency to hold onto stuff that cost me money even if I don’t use it anymore. Isn’t not like I would be able to sell them and be able to get my money back anyway. I would like to be able to be a giving person and give to those in need without this anxiety but I guess that is only human. I’m not Jesus, but maybe this confessional blog post will help. I hope this baby shower is wonderful for her and her baby is happy and healthy and all these things that we are giving the little one helps that process.
I am so stressed right now. We are trying to buy a house. I am getting short with everyone. The inspection happened on Saturday. We sent the list of things we wanted fixed yesterday. The listing agent took all day to come back with an answer and it wasn’t totally what we wanted but it was close. I want to just lay in bed and sob. I want to isolate myself and run away. I am trying to get unstressed I really am. My stomach is feeling it too. I need this to just be over!!